Warning: Honesty ahead!

If you don’t think you can handle it, I won’t be offended if you don’t read on…
Remember I’m from New York and usually just shoot from the hip.

It’s time for some ‘blog-honesty’. This is one of those posts where I pour out my soul. This time it is not about my mom. It’s about my BECOMING a mom. Quite honestly, I’m scared to death! Not really about the parenting part. I’m pretty ok with that. I know there will be times that it will be tough, I'm not ignorant but I do have experience (I was a nanny for YEARS), I’ve got education, I’ve got a great hubby and a wonderful support system in place…
I’m TERRIFIED of actually giving birth to this baby. My whole life I never wanted to be pregnant. Being pregnant never appealed to me. It was never a dream of mine; I never longed to have a human conceived and growing inside of me. Me having a baby that was flesh of my flesh… well, didn’t excite me in the least. I’m good at loving other people’s kids. And well, let’s face it… I have A.D.D. and 40 weeks is a LOOOOOOONG time.
I don’t like going to the doctor.
I’m a very modest person and don’t really want everyone up in my personal space.
I don’t want ANYONE to rub or touch my growing belly (unless I invite you to).
I’m not a fan of pain.
I don’t like to be uncomfortable.
I used to always want kids, then when I was told that I couldn’t… no problem, even better, I wanted to adopt anyway… we looked into that…. It’s EXPENSIVE.
Foster care… not the road for us, really. So, no kids, is how we planned on living.
Now this surprise comes barreling into my life, don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed that God has worked this miracle in my life… I just wish He would have worked on me first. My brain still hasn’t comprehended all of what is to come. Sure most new moms feel this way… but they also had usually dreamed of being ‘a mom’. I never dreamed about it. Sometimes I would wonder… but that was it and really not for long. I’m too selfish. I know this too will change and really I’ll be ok with that too… but, I sure will miss my freedom. I also have this ‘no family’ nearby thing going on. Yes, friends have offered and I’m already grateful, but I don’t want to take advantage of the friendship. I just want to go to the grocery store without it being a big production.
People have told me that you don’t know what love is until you have your own child. As someone who has been ‘childless’ for years, I’ll tell you right now, that HURTS. DEEPLY! If you have said that, DON'T EVER SAY IT AGAIN!!!! To say that to someone says to them that they are not complete as a person. I realize that my feelings for this child will be intense, but to tell someone they don’t know the full capacity of love b/c they haven’t procreated…. BALONEY! I’m a child of the most high God, and while it may be hard to grasp sometimes, HE LOVES ME AND I KNOW IT and I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! So before you go spilling your ‘words of wisdom’ put yourself in their shoes; what if they are unable to conceive due to a physical condition of their own or their spouse? Now, you’ve hurt them even more; 1 you’ve said they are not complete as a person and 2 there is nothing they can do about it. What if they have felt like they would be an unfit parent and have chosen not to have children? There is nothing wrong with that choice either. In a previous Thursday Thirteen way back in September, I had written my reasons for not wanting to have kids; a comment I received on that post…. “…I think you're dog-gone healthy to be so clear-headed and concise about such a subject! Really.” (thank you, Staci) Then there are people who just can’t seem to comprehend that CHOOSING to not have children can actually be the right choice for some. (Sometimes I wish more people would make that choice!) God forbid someone actually thinks about something before they dive in without checking the depth of the water! Really, I could go on all day about this… I’ve had to defend my position for years, bottom line what I am saying is; this is huge for me and its going to take a bit for me to get used to this idea. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but don’t be upset with me for not being excited out of my skin yet. I promise I will love and care for this baby with my whole heart. I just don’t like it when people say things to/about people who don’t have children, just because you procreated doesn’t make you more special than anyone else… I’ve got news for you… DONKEYS do it too! And they take care of their offspring and they don’t resent them either!

things that amaze me

1. God's love for me.
2. Wind
3. The Ocean
4. Snow
5. The miracle of life
6. A true friend
7. Volcanos
8. Storms (even though they scare me)
9. Real talent
10. Technology
11. Stupid and/or rude people
12. That I can be a germophob and be a clutterbug!
13. My husband

13 things I've been feeling for the last 12 weeks...

(Even though I didn't find out that I was pregnant until I was almost 8 weeks.... )

1. Plenty of nausea (for obvious reasons)

2. Exhaustion (again for obvious reasons)

3. Shock (I NEVER imagined this for my life)

4. Awe (I have a human growing inside of me!)

5. Overwhelmed (Awareness of all the responsibility that is ahead)

6. Scared (I've never done this before!)

7. A little sad (My mom won't be around for this)

8. Nervous (I have to be responsible now... FOREVER!)

9. Dread (In-laws. 'Nuf said.)

10. Worry (Will I do all the right things)

11. Amazed (God worked this miracle just for me)

12. Joy (Babies bring joy... I don't care who you are!)

13. Excitement (I get to get lots of new toys!)

Wordless Wednesday

Hmmmm

Do I really want to make the change and come back here? I'm still thinking about it.
While Livejournal was easy to use... I never liked the idea that there were advertisements on my blog site and I didn't feel like making the effort to learn how to put in html code on the pages and whatnot. So..... I'm still deciding, but I will make my choice soon, I promise.