If you don’t think you can handle it, I won’t be offended if you don’t read on…
Remember I’m from New York and usually just shoot from the hip.
It’s time for some ‘blog-honesty’. This is one of those posts where I pour out my soul. This time it is not about my mom. It’s about my BECOMING a mom. Quite honestly, I’m scared to death! Not really about the parenting part. I’m pretty ok with that. I know there will be times that it will be tough, I'm not ignorant but I do have experience (I was a nanny for YEARS), I’ve got education, I’ve got a great hubby and a wonderful support system in place…
I’m TERRIFIED of actually giving birth to this baby. My whole life I never wanted to be pregnant. Being pregnant never appealed to me. It was never a dream of mine; I never longed to have a human conceived and growing inside of me. Me having a baby that was flesh of my flesh… well, didn’t excite me in the least. I’m good at loving other people’s kids. And well, let’s face it… I have A.D.D. and 40 weeks is a LOOOOOOONG time.
I don’t like going to the doctor.
I’m a very modest person and don’t really want everyone up in my personal space.
I don’t want ANYONE to rub or touch my growing belly (unless I invite you to).
I’m not a fan of pain.
I don’t like to be uncomfortable.
I used to always want kids, then when I was told that I couldn’t… no problem, even better, I wanted to adopt anyway… we looked into that…. It’s EXPENSIVE.
Foster care… not the road for us, really. So, no kids, is how we planned on living.
Now this surprise comes barreling into my life, don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed that God has worked this miracle in my life… I just wish He would have worked on me first. My brain still hasn’t comprehended all of what is to come. Sure most new moms feel this way… but they also had usually dreamed of being ‘a mom’. I never dreamed about it. Sometimes I would wonder… but that was it and really not for long. I’m too selfish. I know this too will change and really I’ll be ok with that too… but, I sure will miss my freedom. I also have this ‘no family’ nearby thing going on. Yes, friends have offered and I’m already grateful, but I don’t want to take advantage of the friendship. I just want to go to the grocery store without it being a big production.
People have told me that you don’t know what love is until you have your own child. As someone who has been ‘childless’ for years, I’ll tell you right now, that HURTS. DEEPLY! If you have said that, DON'T EVER SAY IT AGAIN!!!! To say that to someone says to them that they are not complete as a person. I realize that my feelings for this child will be intense, but to tell someone they don’t know the full capacity of love b/c they haven’t procreated…. BALONEY! I’m a child of the most high God, and while it may be hard to grasp sometimes, HE LOVES ME AND I KNOW IT and I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! So before you go spilling your ‘words of wisdom’ put yourself in their shoes; what if they are unable to conceive due to a physical condition of their own or their spouse? Now, you’ve hurt them even more; 1 you’ve said they are not complete as a person and 2 there is nothing they can do about it. What if they have felt like they would be an unfit parent and have chosen not to have children? There is nothing wrong with that choice either. In a previous Thursday Thirteen way back in September, I had written my reasons for not wanting to have kids; a comment I received on that post…. “…I think you're dog-gone healthy to be so clear-headed and concise about such a subject! Really.” (thank you, Staci) Then there are people who just can’t seem to comprehend that CHOOSING to not have children can actually be the right choice for some. (Sometimes I wish more people would make that choice!) God forbid someone actually thinks about something before they dive in without checking the depth of the water! Really, I could go on all day about this… I’ve had to defend my position for years, bottom line what I am saying is; this is huge for me and its going to take a bit for me to get used to this idea. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but don’t be upset with me for not being excited out of my skin yet. I promise I will love and care for this baby with my whole heart. I just don’t like it when people say things to/about people who don’t have children, just because you procreated doesn’t make you more special than anyone else… I’ve got news for you… DONKEYS do it too! And they take care of their offspring and they don’t resent them either!
5 comments:
good post. no judgment here!
... and welcome back to blogger! And I like this song! You already know how I feel 'bout all this... we talked about at 2 AM!!! LOL!
This is all I can tell ya. It's worth it. From someone who detested being pregnant and did it three times, it's all worth it in the end. Hang in there, and good luck!!
See I am just the opposite of you, love love loved the being pregnant and having that little life inside of me. Not so much in love with the attitude that they develop as they grow.
You feel as you feel, and you never have to make reasons why you feel like that.
Who is the song? It is nice.
I understand what you are talking about. I happened to find a doctor that I LOVED. My visits with him were awesome. He was the only man I shaved my legs for and he wanted to hear all about my pregnancy.
With my first and last baby, I felt no pain during delivery. My last one I took in goodie bags for my nurses and sweetly asked them to take really good care of me, I was terrified. And they did. It totally works. Delivery was sooooo much fun. I felt NO pain. NO PAIN. And I am a huuuuuuuge baby.
I'm modest too and it's weird at first, but I was able to overcome it. Seriously, it becomes such a non-deal.
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