It's that time of year when I start realizing what 'anniversary' is coming up. 9 years and the pain hasn't eased up one bit! Surprisingly, I don't get all emotional around Christmas, my 'bad times' are right now (The Boy's bday and 'the day') and of course Mother's Day and my birthday. I've been choking back tears a lot the last few days, walking around w/ that closed throat feeling. It is a good thing I've been a little busy so I don't have time to sit and think about what I'm missing, what my kids are missing out on and what she has missed out on in my life too. Of course here I sit now thinking about it and well now my throat hurts and I can barely see the computer! It's not fair. And I'm still not over it. I hate it and I'm mad and I hurt and I wish things were oh so very different! I just want my mommy. I want to talk with her for hours on the phone or in person (which would be better of course)! I have a million questions about my kids, how I was as a kid, how I need/should handle some stuff with the kids. My aunts are GREAT but no one can ever replace your Mommy. I used to be so excited about The Girl bringing home school papers and projects but now they make me cry. They made a construction paper turkey for Thanksgiving and the feathers had things they were thankful for on them... one of her feathers said "grandma". Now technically she does have another grandmother but we refer to C's mom as "nanna" and my stepmom as "nanna-beth" and just 'grandma' is my mom. That purple feather on the bottom left is the one that says 'grandma'.
It's adorable that she thinks of my mom, her grandma, even though she's never met her but it also makes my heart ache because she will never meet her. The Girl talks about her and asks questions about her and sometimes when she is playing alone I can hear her talking to 'grandma'. I realize that things will never change but this isn't exactly something that one can 'get over' so how exactly do I deal with this???
I haven't blogged b/c I feel obligated to include pictures and b/c a lot of 'life' goes on facebook now, but I'm going to try to fix that. :)
2 comments:
love you!
You can't forget about heaven Denise. You're mom Is very much so alive. You're pain here is very real and justified, but don't let it crush you beyond the hope of heaven. Read "forever" by Paul Tripp -love you - your snow pennies friend from NY
syd will be saved too. They will meet.
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