While it has been 3 years since my mom passed away and 4 Mother's Days have passed, some days are easier than others, but today isn't one of them. I have always spent Mother's day with my mom, I think I can count on one hand the times that I was away from her on this day. Even though I went to college 5 hours from home, and just days after I married I moved 1200 miles away... our time apart was limited. If one of us wasn't visiting the other, we were on the phone together. Her death has left a huge void in my heart and my life. As I sit at the computer, on what people are calling my first Mother's day, (even though I really don't consider myself a Mother just yet)I cannot help but feel huge amounts of sadness. You know that lump you get in the back of your throat when you are about to cry? Well, I woke up with it today and its still there. C has just left for church, and I'm staying home this morning. Its just easier for me this way. At church they do this whole big production about moms and talk about how great they are and whatever, and I can't help but feel that people don't really know what a really great mom is like, b/c they never met mine. While we did have our differences when I was a teenager, ultimately she was my best friend, and always had my back. She taught me what a true example of what a Christian woman should be like, she showed me what sacrifice was all about, and she eminated love in the purest form. No, she wasn't perfect, she was quite human in fact, which is why I learned so much from her. I saw her struggles. I saw her triumphs. I saw her pain, her heartbreak, and her joys. She went through her trial with cancer with the most amazing attitude. I'm sure she had her complaints, but I honestly don't recall ever hearing them. She lived her life to the fullest, and as best she could while the cancer was slowly taking over her body. She went on trips, drove other people to church, and worked as long as she could. I'm still in amazement of her.
On my first Mother's Day without her, the church in IL asked me to speak. Oh at first, I said no way... but eventually changed my mind, I'm still not sure why. I'm glad I did it though, of course when I hear the recording of it, I kick myself b/c I hear the mistakes I made, but the bottom line was... on that Mother's Day I was able to share her with a sanctuary full of people. Some knew her and some knew of her and some had no idea who she was. Either way, I was able to share her, her story, her testimony, which is exactly what she would have wanted. The next Mother's day, happened to be my birthday (a big one too), C did a great job of distracting me by taking me out of town. Then last year, I knew I just couldn't do it, I couldn't sit through a service full of talks about moms and virtuous women, when all I could think about was how incredibly unfair it was that mine was gone! This year, all I can think about is becoming a mom myself, and hoping and praying that I will be a great christian example for my child. I also think about all the things I need to share with my mom, the questions only she can answer, and the grandchild she will never know. I wonder what next year will be like?
